What's Your Pizza Personality

Last week's issue of Parade was pizza themed. One of the articles inside featured the following pizza-eating personality chart:

• The Folder: You're a multitasker who is always on the go, and you believe in eating to live rather than living to eat. Food just isn't a top priority for you.

• The Pizza Surgeon: You are a bit of a martyr -- you don't mind suffering first if it means enjoying a treat later. This is why you carefully cur away the edges of the crust and scrape off the cheese, which you then savor last.

• The Hands-on Eater: You consume pizza the traditional way: with your hands, cheese side up. You're non-judgmental, you always go with the flow, and you enjoy taking life slowly.

• The Knife-and-Fork Holder: You like order and organization, keep your emotions in check and scrupulously clean, and tend to focus on one task at a time. 

I think this list is pretty lacking, though -- I mean, what if you eat your pizza backwards? And the article doesn't even touch what your toppings preferences say about you?

I decided to add to Parade's list:

• Crust-discarder: You are a minimalist who pares life to the essentials: You've already gotten the taste of pizza, you don't need anymore.

• Backwards-eater: You exemplify America's subculture underbelly that goes against the grain. You, hipster, you!

• The Glutton: By taking two pieces, and "double fisting", you display your enthusiasm when eating.  Careful, this can also be perceived as greed.

• The Calzoner: As someone who takes two pieces, and then stacks them cheese side together, you illustrate that you are not only flexible, but have a deep appreciation for other cultures.

Toppings Choices:

• Pineapple: You're a natural leader who's not afraid to take charge and try something new. Or you're really hankering for that island vacation. Take your pick.
• Multiple Veggies: You may be one to get swept up in culture trends and fads. By adding veggies, you think you're making the pizza healthier, but in reality, it's still pizza.
• Multiple Meats: You have animalistic urges and tendencies. Not the best companion in a zombie apocalypse. 
• Everything Imaginable: You want it all. By trying to appease all your different taste buds, you run the risk of muddling flavors.