This was Brian's first cleanse - in fact, he'd previously been openly vocal about how ridiculous cleanses are, not seeing the point of having to drink juice when you could easily just eat the fruits and vegetables.
A relatively healthy individual, Brian is a dutiful gym goer and meal planner, although he's the first to admit his more committed moments come in waves:
"If I wanted to lose weight, I wouldn't go through the pain and agony that people go through when doing a juice cleanse, I would just cut out carbs and eat healthy."
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| Tasty! |
The Gameplan:
- Six juices a day
- One juice every 3 hours from 7:30am to 7:30pm (five juices) with one juice split with two time periods
- Three days -- over #StormJonas weekend [ya know, because its super fun to drink JUICE when everyone else plans on weathering the blizzard with booze]
The Flavors (originally planned to be drunk in listed order):
- Lucky Seven -- carrot, pineapple, pear, orange, ginger, beet, lemon
- Gravity -- celery, cucumber, lemon, kale and E3Live
- Doctor Earth -- apple, kale, cucumber, celery, pineapple, Swiss chard, lemon, dandelion, parsley and ginger
- Glo -- grapefruit, lemon and orange
- Fountain of Youth -- coconut water, strawberry, banana, raspberry, blueberry, agave nectar, hemp protein and coconut oil
- Love at First Sight -- carrot, pineapple, pear, orange, ginger, beet, lemon
DAY 1
Even though yours truly thinks a weekend [read: snowstorm] cleanse is particularly masochistic, Brian thought it would be easier than during the week when people are around, work is crazy and vendors are bringing in all kinds of food (and hey, some people like it that way). He also brought up the point that this was weekend where he didn't have plans and could focus on punishing himself in the comfort of his own home.
Brian:
On Thursday night I had put all of the juices in order based on how I thought they would taste. I chose what I thought would be the disgusting ones first (start of day to get them over with), the good tasting last (end of day) and the one juice I thought would be best, I put that right in the middle to break up the day. Friday morning comes, and I could not have been more inaccurate. Chronologically, the first two juices were the best tasting, the second juice being the best of the six which was called Fountain of Youth. After that juice it was all uphill. Not only uphill, but at times uphill carrying 7 bags of bricks, blindfolded and missing one leg. The two worst juices were called Doctor Earth and Gravity - Gravity being the ultimate worst of the six.
Some Day 1 Flavor Reviews
Doctor "I Am Going To Make You My Little Bitch" Juice: Way too many flavors going on here that all add up to a mouth full of a disgusting science experiment that only on paper would be amazing. Everything is healthy, yes. Everything is good for you, yes. But all together? Too much! Second of all, do they think I am in a lab, naked, hooked up to wires and treated like a circus animal? Dandelions? Really? What's next, eating tulips, branches, bark from the trees and mulch from the side of the yard?
Gravity: Simple ingredients, but when put together you want to stab yourself in the eyes 17 times while throwing up on yourself because covering yourself with blood and puke will actually be a more positive than the feeling you are experiencing at the moment. Also key fact, for those of you who don't know what E3Live is: it is algae. Just call the %$^&ing thing algae if its going to taste like sh*t covered in grass mixed around in shit.
Darling readers, it seems the once
mind-mannered Brian may be homicidal.
Let's continue to observe his journey, shall we?
At the end of day 1, I had mixed feelings. I was proud of myself for not only completing one day on a new health cleanse that I previously said I would never do and didn't understand. I was also starving, and I mean STARVING. My worst times were between late morning and early afternoon as well as after my last juice at night. The company said that if you are starving while you are waiting for your next juice, just keep drinking water. Yeah... didn't really help me at all. I was dreading day 2 because I now knew what to expect, and the thought of the more disgusting juices made me want to pull out a gun and shoot myself in the foot because a slow death of bleeding out would have been less painful compared to those juices.
DAY 2
I switched the order of the juices. Knowing how they all tasted, I mixed them up with an on and off approach - good tasting juice first, bad juice, good, bad, etc. When I say, "good" I really mean, "tolerable." When I say. "bad," I really mean, "so %$^&ing disgusting that I hope this company goes under tomorrow."
I am an all or nothing guy, extreme to one end or the other. Hardly anything in between and hardly any room for moderation. I was either going to stick with this cleanse 100% or I wasn't going to do it at all. The last thing I would have done was start this cleanse and quit early - that was not an option.
The company warns you that 50% of people feel extremely tired and drained while cleansing. This is because this cleanse, although giving you every nutrient the body needs, is a liquid diet and due to the lack of solids, the body shuts down a bit. (You are shocking the body.) The other 50% of people feel the exact opposite -- they are more energetic and feel like they just ran a mile.
I personally had highs and lows from both sides of the spectrum. I felt very tired late afternoon and late night during Day 1. Silver lining: for the most part during Day 2, I felt great and was semi-energized.
DAY 3
I felt the same, drank the juice in the same order and basically just kept drinking every 3 hours because I wanted to finish this cleanse and get it over with.
I purposely haven't weighed myself since Friday morning. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and see. My luck I probably gained weight.
All of these new fads and new health diets may not be the greatest things in the world. I mean, in 5 years from now something may come out where mixing sand or pebbles into your hot tea will cause you to not only lose 10 pounds in 12 hours but it is good for your digestive system. Get a life! What happened to normalization???!!
THE AFTERMATH AND REVIEW
Whew, what a weekend. The big questions -- how was it, and would you do it again? I still feel that if I wanted to lose weight, I'd cut out carbs and fats so, no, I do not plan on doing a juice cleanse again. That being said, despite my previous statements about punishing and killing myself over bad tasting dandelions, I do feel good overall. I would rather start a healthy diet like I have done in the past rather than a cleanse. However, a cleanse like this is a damn good prelude to starting a diet.
I used to question why a person can't just eat fruits and vegetables instead of buying these juices that have been blended down to liquid form, and I no longer think this way, at least not entirely. It is much easier to have a juice with the fruits and vegetables that one would normally want to eat. In today's world of no wait time and being constant bustle, you can just grab the juice and go as an all-in-one meal. More importantly, I think the point, at least for me, is that yes I do eat fruits and vegetables but not consistently enough or in volumes like I would with a juice. The point of juicing is that you have everything you need in one bottle, and I think it is more consistent of a process than the one-offs of "I will have a banana today and grapes tomorrow." With a juice, you have 5-6 different kinds of veggies and fruits in that one meal.
You mentioned your scale -- any weight loss? I dropped 3 pounds (I expected 4-6). But I did the cleanse to lead into a healthy diet, so it is a smoother transition and allow me to lose weight in the process.
Would you recommend this particular juice cleanse? Sure, because everything is worth a try. Life is all about trying new things but also sticking with what you know works. I know that when I eat certain foods and incorporate exercise, I can be in great shape. I know my body. Why change that if that is what works for you? At the same time, I now think that trying something new, one of these new innovative fad diets, doesn't really hurt. As much as the "middle of the road" doesn't really work for an extremist like myself, I think the plan that you stick with that you know works can always be tweaked a little if it is for the better.
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| You go, Glenn Coco |
Many thanks and some serious kudos to Brian for this post. Comment below if you've enjoyed his journey!
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